Who am I?

The sermon this week was about who we are - in Christ, of course. But, we also were invited to consider what we know about ourselves: our passions, talents, and interests.

Who am I? I honestly haven't had time to even remember that lately. I suppose that becoming a working Mom for the past 6 years I have neglected the slow thinking, the wondering, the inward gaze. With little to do over the next few months, perhaps I am being the gift of time to think, and to remember who I am.

One thing I know for sure: being slightly broken doesn't define me. I am NOT "Susan with a limp." I am Susan. I do limp, but that is not who I am. God uses the long journey of my injury (and since) to help shape my character, but not define it. I must resist the temptation to dwell in "what I can't do" and instead work toward my future.

Selfishly I pray that my character has been shaped enough by this, and that the surgery this week will be a success, and that a year from now I won't limp any more. Oh, I hope so. But, if it doesn't, then I will move forward and live as just Susan.

I am me. I am a child of God. I am a believer in Jesus Christ. I am impulsive and lazy and organized and some other things that I don't really know yet.

I have a limp, but it isn't who I am.

If you are looking for me over the next few months, I'll be in my living room. I would love to see you, or hear from you. I am not looking forward to the isolation of being home without mobility, and communication would make the time pass faster. Thanks so much for your prayer support, and for the practical support that is needed for our family.

I am blessed.

And, I'm not just saying that to sound all "Christian" either. Really, truly blessed. I forget about it. Then sometimes God has wakes me up to worry about HOW DIRE THINGS ACTUALLY ARE and then carefully and creatively solves my problem, much more beautifully than I could have solved it.

Case in point: as of this morning, the replacement teacher for my job changed her mind and declined the position, for some excellent reasons. Kudos to her for carefully considering and doing the right thing. But... that did leave 18 charming 7 year olds without a teacher as of Monday.

Panic? Sure, why not!

I can tell you, though, that the Father had everything all planned and perfected. By 2:30 pm, two teachers who are already familiar with the school - and with my students - had agreed to share the position. Truly, truly, I can't be happier. These women will love my kids and take care of them and teach them well. My kids will love them - in fact they already do. They just don't know it yet!

In the meantime, God provided so much for me to be thankful for... so let me add to my list of 1000 with all the GOOD in my life today:

28. Colleagues who came by my room at just the right time to hear my fear and worries and encourage me that right now, it's ok to not really be ok.
29. My caring friend and teaching partner Terri, who took my supervision to give me 20 minutes to catch up on all the stuff I have to catch up on.
30. Name #1 - who I am not yet at liberty to share.
31. Name #2 - ditto
32. An understanding and generous admin team that cares about my students and I, not just about shuffling paper and schedules.
33. It was Marcie's month to do the newsletter, so I don't have to worry about it. She did a great job, too.
34. Steve - answering his email in the middle of a busy day to tell me he loves me and thinks I'm amazing and that he was praying.
35. Warm sun through my south facing classroom.
36. A generous parent who donated a LOT of crafty items from the store she works at.
37. Vanilla coffee.
38. A friendly and detail-filled voice mail from the hospital with all the information I was wondering about for next week.
39. Watching kids realize that they can read music. All those balls and sticks suddenly resolve into something that makes sense and is comprehensible.
40. A student who has been struggling with self-control learns how rewarding it is to serve his classmates - and suddenly he is filled with joy and the desire to do well.
41. My beloved Kim is 22 years old, today. I could probably write a list of 1000 things to be thankful about, just about Kim.
42. These dumb dogs - seriously, they make me laugh the second I walk through the door!
43. A gift card, left from before Christmas, that we can use to take Kim out for dinner tonight to celebrate her birthday.


Oh, I'd better stop. Being thankful is calming - I like feeling the panic from earlier in the day slip away. I'm on a roller coaster, so I'll probably be panicking about something else tomorrow, but I'll hold on, and all will be well.

More to be thankful for already!

God is so faithful... there is so much around me to be grateful for.

20. Little kids skating: tongues out for concentration, arms outstretched for balance.
21. A gift of a serving of apple crisp from a parent, just to brighten my day.
22. Exam week for Benton. (Purely selfish - it means an extra 45 minutes of sleep for me!)
23. A surprise second bloom from the amaryllis on my classroom windowsill.
24. Clean floors, clean counters, clean bathroom. I love clean.
25. Outdoor recess.
26. Warm spring smells in the air this morning.
27. Blue tape. Yellow tape. Green tape. I love tape.

In which we survive last week, and discuss surviving the week to come.

Oh, man.

This past week has been so full.

First off, let me just say that I love my job. I really do look forward to going in to school, spending my day with my munchkins, and coming on home to my little world at home. It's a good life. BUT.... Calgary's normally mild(ish) climate dumped 7 straight days of bitter cold on us, which meant that my kiddos couldn't play outside.

Fun for the first day.

Fun for the second day, until midafternoon when we started to get a little tired of one another.

Bearable for the third day, until midafternoon when apparently the wheels fell off.

Stressful and draining for the fourth day.

A bit hysterical on the fifth day.

Normally I choose not to be a person who waits all week for Friday, and complains about being back to work on Monday, but I've gotta say that Friday afternoon looked really good. Thankfully the forecast looks better this week.

Tomorrow marks the beginning of my last week of work before going on medical leave. So much is yet to do. I want to leave things in excellent shape for my replacement so that the transition is easier on my kiddos. I've been pondering how difficult the whole process will be on them. They'll be fine, but it's not a journey I would choose for them. Or for me, for that matter.

Interviews for my replacement will be on Tuesday, and hopefully the new teacher can spend Thursday and Friday with us.

Lots to do at school, at home, at the gym... yikes. Got to get new crutches, fix my old brace, get a handicapped parking thingy, try to put some casseroles in the freezer...

Reading over this post, I am struck by how calm I sound about the surgery, and about leaving work. In reality, I feel myself catching my breath from time to time, thinking about what lies ahead. The last surgery and rehab were life changing. I'm not really sure I can handle the pain. I really don't look forward to crutches for months again. I dread the thought of slipping on the ice, on wet floors, on uneven ground. Morphine isn't as fun as it sounds. (Though apparently I am a barrel of laughs when I'm on it, just ask my friend Kerry.) I hate it that Steve will have to do everything for me, right down to helping me in and out of the shower and putting my socks on, let alone driving me everywhere and taking charge of the food and the house.

God is sufficient. God is sufficient.

Years ago I heard a speaker teach us that:

1. God Knows.

2. God Cares.

3. God Can.

4. God Will. (Or more likely, He already has.)

God KNOWS the future of my ability/disability. He knows my fearful moments and my concerns. He knows how this is all going to play out. He CARES about my future, and my heart, and my desire to be productive and able-bodied for years to come. God CAN fix it, He can protect me from further damage, from panic, from losing my control to the pain of the surgery and the rehab. God WILL... well, that's the part I don't really know yet.

God Will do what He knows is best. His love for me isn't constrained in any way. If I truly believe that, then how can I believe He will do anything less than the best for me?

I don't know what that looks like yet, but I will.

I have much to be grateful for, and I know I must list them to put my life into perspective:

9. A loving and present faith community.

10. Pedicures.

11. A full paycheque while I'm off. (I'm all about the practical.)

12. 18 good applicants for my principal to choose a replacement from.

13. Melting snow.

14. Yummy italian lunch, paid for by my inlaws.

15. Grilled cheese and tomato soup. Really, what would life be like if nobody had ever discovered that particular combination?

16. Steve. I know, that was kinda #1, too. That's ok.

17. My friend Margie who offered to drive me to physio as often as I need to go, and who even let me know her schedule so I can plan around her.

18. Hugs from Mackenzie.

19. Baby Juliana.

Life is sweet.

Susan

Preparation

Three Years.

This blog has been dormant for three years.

Two Weeks.

In two weeks I have a surgery that may - or may not - ensure I regain full mobility and return to my former "spry" self. I'll be on surgical leave for three months or so. For the past few weeks I've been toying with the idea of journalling while I'm off work. Since writing is always more fun when it's for an audience, I'd rather journal on a blog. And, to be efficient, why begin all over again when I can just dust off the old one?

1000.

Over Christmas, I read the book 1000 Gifts by Ann Voskamp. Her challenge: to change my perspective on life by opening my eyes to the gifts poured over me every day. I'd like to piggy back my disability leave onto my efforts to record 1000 gifts over the next while. I guess in my mind, rehabbing from yet another surgery is a good time to look for thankfulness in my life.

So, without further ado:

1. My very.patient.husband!

2. Canadian Health Care. Not perfect, but good.

3. Colleagues who care about me - and my students - and who pick up the slack for me with grace.

4. My students - who will miss me. It's nice to be missed.

5. Our furnace: a reliable source of warmth on a -33C day.

6. Prayer from a wonderful Godly woman at church last Sunday.

7. Book recommendations from friends. (Thank you, Karen.)

8. Soft bed. Clean sheets. Warm blankets. Rest.

Feeling blessed,

Susan